tomorrow i'll eat pietro's pizza and mint tuxedos

nothing of substance in this post. instead, i responded to comments from beth, whoopee, becky, mari, and chadius (3/9, 3/23, 4/12, 4/13, and 4/18).

here's a little something from my blog cemetery. a few weeks ago, i was going to write a satirical gothic post about dreams, gothic novels, and the gre. i never got around to it. here's my rough, rough, rough draft in poetic form and embedded in a photograph:

GOTHIC by andrew

a dark, cavernous
parking garage

a gre, a feast
i come home
as imaginary spiders
crawl all over me

a bed, and i
drift off to sleep

later i see a spider

andrew david 'not quite a spider but two times as poisonous' yelapa, mexico.

our daily bread

i suck at devoting time to bible study. its such a big book that it seems a little like reading anna karenina* on steroids. if you're reading in bed, you constantly have to devise new ways of propping the book open -- it's tough. like the norton anthology of fill-in-the-blank literature, its not something you do for fun. i should, but i don't.

i want fiction.

i want poetic prose.

i want metaphors and suspense.

i love reading books that allude to biblical stories or that manage to convey biblical truth so subtley that our postmodern world passes right by the reference. as the kings of convenience say, this 'love comes like--surprise!--ice on the water' (my punctuation and out of context insertion, not theirs). that is, i'm often moved by these allusions, but i half think it's because they're unexpected, like blessings which i did not seek.

so, as pastor richard might say, that leaves me sucking slop at the mouth of the columbia. sure, i get some fine h2o here and there, but i also have to contend with chemicals, household waste, and 1,152 miles of unknown nastiness.

i think that moms have a 6th sense about these kinds of things, so mine shoved me toward the source. she sent me a free subscription to our daily bread, a poor, time-crunched, mainline protestant's version of the book of common prayer. so, like a dutifully bored and thirsty son, i've been using these daily devotionals. each entry includes a verse, a half-page of commentary that alternates between cheese and insight, and--drumroll please, here comes the real reason for this blog entry--a closing poem.

a few nights ago i was pleasantly pondering the application of paul's command to 'live peacably with all men,' perhaps i was even praying, when i came across the abcb rhyme scheme of the final four lines. maybe the devil was in that rhyme, because i was suddenly ripped from the realm of the spiritual into the charcoal sky of the literary gre. there i was thinking, 'what kind of stanza uses an abcb rhyme scheme?'

a ballad.

amen.

so, read your bibles little lasses and laddies and whatever you do, beware of the literature gre. it will warp your every perception, sidetrack your studies, and make your blog messy. remember, friends don't let friends gre.


andrew david 'a new kind of accomodation' puerto vallarta, mexico.

*from my perspective, tolstoy is 0/2. i disliked the death of ivan ilyich and i doubt i'm going to finish anna k.

beth says, "our brains are dead"

i'm back. after five months of brow-bruising studying, i have returned. the long winter of the literature gre has ended and easter is right around the corner.

everyone asks 'so how was it?' or 'how did you do?' that's like asking a pasty-white photodermatosic how to get to the beach. beyond saying 'try heading west' or 'ask that guy over there...no, not him. the one in the blue speedo,' there's little else to say. in my case, (the beach is 20 blocks west on 85th; just follow it until you get to the water. and why am i wearing this speedo?) i expect a score somewhere in the upper 50th percentile. that means i anticipate a score that ranges anywhere from just a little worse than okay to AMAZING!

unfortunately, ETS isn't a fast-food chain. like the rest of the test-taking industry, their scan-tron machines were designed by 18th century comedians who thought that a six week turnaround might be a funny final blow to the likes of beth and me^. so now begins the wait. ordinarily, this might prove quite troubling me, but after

170 dollars,
5 months of studying,
414 note cards,
470* authors,
and 782* works,

a six week waiting period seems like little more than a st. patty's day pinch. it'll be a breeze. after all, i have my new life to keep me company!


^ this sounds funny, but i'm pretty certain it's a 'me' rather than an 'i.' still, the 'i' would sound better...
* i randomly sampled a little under 11% of the 414 note cards (n=45) and found 85 works and 51 authors. the figures provided above are therefore only an extrapolation based upon this smaller sample...
! just to clarify, by 'new life' i don't mean a baby. i was just hoping to emphasize my new found freedom.

countdown: 2 days

i found this today:

marigrace becker "yeah baby." seattle, wa.

countdown: 3 days

in deference to shelley, auden, pound, thomas, browning, coleridge, and the mighty gre, today's post is quite abbreviated.

TRUE or FALSE?

"I see friends shaking hands, saying, 'how do you do?' they're really saying 'i, i love you.' "

by 'true or false?' i'm primarily referring to the second clause. for extra points, where did i acquire this quote?
(deceiving hint: not from anything related to the gre)






andrew david 'invisible picture.' my kitchen, greenwood, seattle.

gre #1

as promised, here comes the first in a series of sample gre study items. read the passage and name the author and the work:

"I wish I owned half of that dog."

"Why?" somebody asked.

"Because I would kill my half."

The group searched his face with curiosity, with anxiety even, but found no light there, no expression that they could read. They fell away from him as from something uncanny, and went into privacy to discuss him. One said:

"'Pears to be a fool."

"'Pears?" said another. "Is, I reckon you better say."

"Said he wished he owned half of the dog, the idiot," said a third. "What did he reckon would become of the other half if he killed his half? Do you reckon he thought it would live?"

actually, let's do this gre style. choose, between these five authors:

a. langston hughes
b. walt whitman
c. ernest hemingway
d. mark twain
e. john steinbeck

the author of this work also made a brief foray into which other literary genre?

a. imagism
b. arthurian literature
c. theater of the absurd
d. pre-raphaelite literature
e. post-modern gertrude steinesque nonsense

according to the allusion in lines 4-5 this passage from pudd'n'head wilson alludes to what breed of dog?

a. a german shepherd
b. one of those rat-like chihuahuas
c. a mutt
d. a pit pull terrier
e. a "death-hound"


andrew david 'outside church' puerto vallarta, mexico.
this shot had great potential, but the final product stinks. oh, well. i still like the idea.

if necesary, i am more than happy to offer test-taking strategies for these questions in future posts. to see how you did, simply drag your cursor over this blank space, and you should see the answers: 1. d; 2. b; 3. none of the above! sorry, that was evil. there was totally NO allusion in those lines! one could argue that the passage somehow alludes to solomon, but gosh--that's a baby, not a dog! but be glad, the gre would never do that to you.

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for the rest of the month, i'm stuck at my desk pouring over thomas carew, gertrude stein, euphuisms, and every other potentially testable scrap of world lit. therefore, the 17 point scale is officially proclaiming march the 'live-vicariously-through-your-friends-and-online-neighbors' month. that is, since i'll be confined to my study corner, i'm encouraging you to explode forth from your computer and perform all kinds of crazy deeds in the name of andrew. hmmm...that means, if you're not me, this is actually the 'my-friend-and-online-neighbor-is-living-vicariously-through-me' month. there must be some way to consolidate those two names...in any case, as you go about your living, i strongly recommend exploring BAC, an exciting assortment of FREE artsy classes. these quick courses range from irish dancing, thai cooking basics, and zimbabwean singing to ts eliot's the wasteland, cheesemaking, and an introduction to the didjeridu.


andrew david 'a postcard from 1971' peurto vallarta, mexico (day 1).

state of the scale address

four months down. i kind of like this blogging thing, but i hope its not too stressful for my girlfriend. one of these days i'm afraid she'll snap 'NO! i didn't read your blog today! i'm dating you, not your blog. now, leave me in peace and stop asking about your stupid blog...'

upcoming blogs:
1. on the road reviews - these posts will hopefully bear the fruit of my most dangerous new idea (and perhaps my sole idea) concerning that i-5 stretch of verdant wasteland between seattle and portland. the recipe for my new idea is really quite simple; in fact, it only takes a few key ingredients: one or more full length music albums, a device with which to play said cds, a pen, and a post-it note pad. the stickies that survive the ride shall then serve as the song-by-song foundation for my 'on the road reviews.' as an aside, i suddenly (as in a few minutes ago) became intensly interested in origins. that is, where did this idea come from? (i don't know). why did i choose this title? (to begin, i did not intend hurtle my way into the company of jack kerouac or willy nelson. in fact, having never finished 'on the road' or listened to the verses of 'on the road again,' i can't even claim an artistic birthright to their sense of these words, so there is no connection. none. i liked the aliteration; that's it).

2. back page reviews - or, as everyday sam might say, little tiny book reviews. in this case, the title is an allusion to my bookcase (or, more aptly, the treasures within that bookcase). you see, for the past several years, it has been my habit to scrawl a brief afterword in the final pages of my books. thus, for now i am envisioning 'back page reviews' to be ten second showers: refreshingly brief responses to books, books, and more books.

add:

3. gre joy - that is, since the blog's byline alludes to a graduate entrance exam, perhaps its finally about time to expose the world to the delightful world of the gre. this may come in the way of literature terms, author bios, or literary excerpts.

4. in the kitchen - a segment devoted to cooking tips and party planning.

:add

other news.
1. well, it has come time to break the illusion that a nameless entity rests behind the 17 point scale. hi, everyone. in case you haven't already gathered, my name is andrew. i tend to write this blog when not wearing any pants. that's because its generally right before i go to bed. as a result of the late hour, i sometimes write odd things that are barely relevant (like 'i tend to write this blog when not wearing any pants'). this is unfortunate and may reflect poorly on my writing. however, from this point forward, if you see contextually strange quotes, song titles of my current itunes playlist, or links at the very bottom of an entry, please do not assume that i intended even the foggiest of connections to the preceeding text. instead, consider them unrelated post-scripts. (ah hah! perhaps i will denote such 'irrelevant material' with an asterisk or some other character).


*And That Right Soon (from Shawshank Redemption soundtrack)
by the way andrew, who's everyday sam?

the decision
I think I've been so focused on GRE minutia that I neglected to consider thebigger picture -- like what programs I would most enjoy, how I might fare in anacademic environment that sounds a bit cutthroat (rather than the cuddliness ofSPU), and whether I'm prepared for the dismal job prospects that I'd face afteryears of tough study (its supposably quite horrible; i have no stats, but various websites report that 1/20 English PhDs can find work as college professors -- that's scary!). Moreover, outside of work, I'm not much good at juggling bricks; that is, my 'to do' list is so long and unwieldy that I'm afraid I might crack under its weight (choose schools, craft personal statements, conjure up an amazing writing sample [that's thick with post-modern literary criticism, something i don't much understand], study for the literature GRE, etc, etc, etc).

Soooo...I'm going to spend the next year sorting this out and pursuing my othervocational interest: editing. After all, I have 2+ years of technical editingexperience, and, in contrast to English professors, the employment rate foreditors is expected to parallel the national employment average rather than sit stagnantly below it (per the US Department of Labor). If I can find (and enjoy) a job working for a publishing company or an interesting magazine of some sort, perhaps I'll forego graduate school.

GRE today at 3pm

*Photographer Unknown 'Beth and Andrew - Intrepid Test Takers' Portland.

on blogging and boring essays

As the GRE approaches, I will periodically post my embarrassing attempts at timed essays. While I really want you to read my blog --

this is an odd desire that i don't quite understand. in fact, i'm a bit surprised that i even wound up with a blog. unlike some bloggers, i don't particularly like recounting the adventures (ie minutia) of my week. nor is my life so topsy-truvy that i crave a daily flurry of keystrokes to keep me sane (ie i'm not a cathartiholic). and i certainly have no pet issues on which to collect links, provide counsel, or solicit opinions (though i appear to like talking about aesthetics and grammar). in fact, the lack of a passionate message has been the bane of my writing career (ie lack thereof). for example, when queried, 'why don't you consider becoming a writer,' i could respond 'and who would pay me to write? would you pay me to write? no. so how would i survive?' but being the consumate nice guy, i generally choose something a little less vindictive (and more true) like: 'because i don't have anything to say. i (am beginning to) understand the mechanics of writing, but i have no particular passion. i could write a short story, but there'd be no 'deep' underlieing point.' soooo. i tend to lack the imaginative capacity for the subtle nuances that make literature meaningful. dar. and that, strange as it may seem, is perhaps why blogging appeals to me. i can say a bunch of little things with no expectation of a higher purpose.

-- i don't recommend reading these unless you are very, very, very bored and need a pick-me-up to feel better about your own writing. to underscore the fact that i don't recommend reading these essays, they shall be in the tiniest of print.

so why post them at all? i don't know. i think because today i thought it would be quicker to post someting that i'd already written than waste study time blogging (i was wrong). and perhaps someone will read an essay and think 'wow, that gre topic is intriguing. i should take the gre!' or better yet 'how interesting, i should share my opinion on this topic...'

ya'er.


ANDREWS 45 MINUTE ESSAY #1

The perceived chasm between intellectuals and the real, more practical world of everyday life has been the subject of controversy for generations. Naysayers of collegiate education have frequently scoffed at academicians in their ivory towers, insisting that the literati should gain experience in the public workplace before instructing students. However, while this reasoning may seem attractive, it possesses a number of serious flaws.

Perhaps the most prohibitive factor for this philosophy is its impracticality. If universities were to adopt this philosophy, faculty would have to settle a number of challenging questions about how much 'real world' experience would be necessary -- a week, a month, a year, etc, etc. Once this subjective issue was decided, collegiate educators would then need liasons to help arrange temporary positions in the outside community. In addition to being a potentially frustrating experience for the professors, this process would also be a decidedly inconvenient proposition for the businesses.

Another crucial difficutly in assigning professors to 'real world' positions is the problem of determining what occupations might be most relevant. For many humanities subjects there is no direct correlation between subject matter and 'real worldl' positions. For example, literature and philosophy professors tend to teach valuable material that discusses the human condition but provides no concrete link to real world positions. These professors might be at loss for finding 'real world' training that matches their teaching interests.

Another important reason for dismissing this theory is that it suggests a false premise: that 'real world' experience will make better teachers. On the contrary, most professors learn the 'nuts and bolts' to their trade in academic settings. While in University, they are taught both material and the best methods of relaying that material. Hands-on, classroom experience then serves to augment these skills. Forced work in the 'real world' could dull these skills and lessen professors' effectiveness. Moreover, if a professor's passion is for teaching, it seems unwise to force them to work in other settings. This could persuade potential professors from pursuing their teaching dream.

Ultimately, professors belong in the classroom. Manditory 'real world' experience for college faculties would be impractical. In fact, many programs lack a real world corrolary for their professors. Therefore, the best use of their time and talents is teaching students, not learning life lessons in the 'real world.'